The opening line: exact words for eight conversations managers dread
The first sentence tells the other person the topic, what you want and whether they are cornered. This guide gives you that sentence for eight conversations managers dread, and the line for when they push back.
In CMI and YouGov’s 2023 survey of UK managers, 82% reported that they had not had any formal management and leadership training when they entered a management position. Nobody hands a new manager the first sentence of the conversations they will dread most, so they improvise it. What is missing is the words and the practice, and both can be taught. CMI and YouGov, Taking Responsibility: Why UK plc needs better managers, October 2023, UK employees with management experience
Enter your details to read the full guide
The rest of the guide covers why the first sentence does most of the work and the three things every good opening line shares, then the eight scripts: the exact opening line for each conversation and the line for when the other person pushes back. One-off, you won’t need to do this again on this device.
Why the first sentence does most of the work
In the sessions we run, managers arrive having rehearsed the middle of the conversation and improvised the opening, which is the wrong way round.
What the first sentence decides
By the end of the first sentence the other person knows the topic, knows what you want and has already decided whether they are cornered, and the rest of the conversation is spent inside that first judgement. A strong middle spends most of itself repairing a weak opening.
What all eight openers share
Seven of the eight scripts below do three things; the hygiene line does the first and then deliberately stops. The topic is in the first sentence, with no run-up: no small talk, no ‘how’s things’, no praise as a ramp. The sentence says what the manager wants from the conversation, so the other person is not left guessing at the purpose. It leaves the other person a way to answer that is not a defence: a question they can take up, a choice they can make or a fact they can correct.
Every square bracket is a fact you should already hold. If you cannot fill one, the conversation is not ready. Keep the order and the facts, use your own words for the rest, then let them answer.
The exact first sentence for eight conversations, and the line for when they push back
The exact opening line for each, then the reply you are most likely to hear and the line that answers it.
You did not get the promotion
It feels like telling someone they are not good enough. The line puts the decision in the first clause and your intent in the second, then tells them what comes next, so the silence after it has a shape. Before the announcement, in private, no praise first. It assumes you hold the panel’s scoring against each criterion: if you do not, get it before you sit down.
- The opening line: “You haven’t got the [role], and I wanted you to hear it from me before it’s announced. I want to go through where you sat against each of the criteria, so that what you take away is specific enough to act on.”
- When they say “So who got it, and what did they have that I haven’t?”: “You’ll hear who when it’s announced, and I’m not going to compare the two of you, because the gap I can actually help with is between you and the criteria. On [criterion] the evidence wasn’t strong enough, and that’s where I’d put the effort.”
Your friend is now your report
It feels like using the new title on someone you were moaning about the old manager with last month. The line puts the change in the first sentence and asks for an agreement instead of issuing a ruling. It is the opener where skipping the run-up is hardest to keep warm, so the second half of the sentence does the warmth. First week, no apology for being promoted.
- The opening line: “From Monday I’m your manager, and that changes some things between us. I’d rather we said which ones out loud this week than find out the hard way later, so I want to agree what stays the same and what doesn’t.”
- When they say “Come on, nothing needs to change. We’re grown-ups.”: “Most of it won’t, and I want to keep it that way. Two things do: I’ll know things about the team I can’t share with you, and the team will be watching whether you get an easier ride than they do, so you won’t.”
Taking the work back
The project is the part of the job they care about, so it drifts instead of being moved. The line names the decision, the date and the reason in one breath and says what stays theirs. If the reason is performance, that is conversation 6 and it comes first: this line is for capacity, fit or client need. If the move changes the contract, HR leads.
- The opening line: “I’m moving [the project] to [name] from [date], because [reason]. [The other work] stays with you, and I want to know what you need from me to make the handover clean.”
- When they say “So you don’t trust me with it any more.”: “This is about [reason], not trust, and I’d be doing the same with anyone in your seat. If I’ve got the facts wrong, tell me. If I haven’t, the move happens on [date], and I want it to reflect well on you.”
The hygiene conversation
It is the most personal thing a manager raises, so the all-team email goes out instead and the one person it was written for assumes it means someone else. The line names the thing in one sentence and stops. Private, door closed, no filling the silence. If a colleague raised it, do not deny that and do not say who.
- The opening line: “I’m going to say something personal, privately, because I would want to be told: over the last couple of weeks there has been a noticeable [body odour].”
- When they say “Has someone complained?”: “The team won’t hear this from me, and I’m not asking why. If there’s something behind it that work can help with, tell me as much or as little as you want and we’ll sort something out quietly.”
A health condition, medication, the menopause, religious observance or money can sit behind this, and none of it is yours to assess. If a reason emerges, offer adjustments, involve HR before anything goes on paper and say nothing to the team.
Pushing back on your own manager
The only one of the eight that goes upwards. Saying no feels like announcing you are not up to the job, so the yes goes in and something drops quietly. The line refuses the impossible version without refusing the work and hands the choice to whoever owns the priorities. Bring the list, and have your own pick ready with the reason for it, because a reasonable boss often hands the choice straight back.
- The opening line: “I can’t take [the new piece of work] on without dropping something, and I need you to choose which. Here’s everything I’m carrying this month, with a rough size against each, so you’re choosing with the full picture.”
- When they say “Can’t you just fit it in for a couple of weeks?”: “If I say yes, something on this list slips and neither of us gets to choose which. I’d rather you chose now. If nothing can move, tell me what good enough looks like on [the new piece of work], and I’ll aim for that.”
The follow-up, when nothing has changed
The first conversation took everything the manager had and did not work. The line dates it, says plainly that this is the second time and asks a question that can be answered rather than denied. One thing, one date, written down the same day.
- The opening line: “We spoke on [date] about [the thing] and it hasn’t changed. I want to be straight with you that this is the second time. I want to understand what got in the way, and then agree something more specific than we did last time.”
- When they say “I’ve been trying. It’s just been a really busy few weeks.”: “I believe you, and busy is going to keep being true, so we need something that survives it. Let’s pick one thing and put a date on it. If it hasn’t moved by then, the next conversation follows the organisation’s procedure, and I’d much rather we never got there.”
The change you did not choose
The manager did not make the decision, may not agree with it and has to deliver it anyway. The line names the change and the date, says the decision stands, then moves to the part the manager can still shape. If the change is contractual, HR leads and this script does not apply.
- The opening line: “From [date], [the change]. The decision has been made and it won’t be reopened in this room. What I can still shape is how it lands for you, and that’s what I want to spend this conversation on.”
- When they say “So I don’t get a say in this.”: “Not in whether it happens, no, and I’m not going to pretend otherwise. You do get a say in how: [the parts that are open], and I want your view on those before anything is fixed.”
This is for a change of reporting line, project mix or focus on the same terms. Do not dress it up as a compliment or a development opportunity, name only what is genuinely still open and tell them before the team hears.
Feedback to someone with 20 years more experience than you
They have done the job for longer than the manager has been working, so any correction sounds like a learner correcting the instructor. The line names the experience gap in the same breath as the topic, so when it comes back as a comeback you have already answered it. Name it once, then never again.
- The opening line: “On [the specific piece of work], [what went wrong]. I know you’ve done this far longer than I have, and I’m raising it because that’s the job. Once I’ve said what I saw, I want your view.”
- When they say “With respect, I was doing this before you joined.”: “You were, and that’s exactly why I want your view when I’ve finished. It doesn’t change what happened on [date], and it doesn’t change whose job it is to raise it.”
Reading the line is not the same as saying it out loud
The scripts give a manager the first sentence. Our Difficult Conversations session is half a day, onsite or online, built around role-play and live practice with your organisation’s own anonymised scenarios, so the first time a manager says the line to someone pushing back is not the time it counts. Tailored before delivery.
Enquire about Difficult ConversationsThis guide is general information for employers and people leaders. The scripts are starting points, not a procedure: formal steps follow your organisation’s own procedures and the Acas Code of Practice on disciplinary and grievance procedures. Where a health condition, disability or other protected characteristic may be a factor, involve HR before the conversation. The training figure is from Taking Responsibility: Why UK plc needs better managers, published by the Chartered Management Institute in October 2023 from a YouGov survey of UK managers with fieldwork in June 2023. It is self-reported, and it measures training at the point of entering a management position rather than training ever. Related reading: our post on why managers avoid difficult conversations and what it costs. Every session is tailored to your organisation before delivery.